There's an Minuscule Fear I Hope to Overcome. I'll Never Adore Them, but Can I at the Very Least Be Reasonable Regarding Spiders?

I am someone who believes that it is always possible to transform. My view is you absolutely are able to train a seasoned creature, on the condition that the mature being is open-minded and willing to learn. As long as the individual in question is ready to confess when it was in error, and work to become a more enlightened self.

Well, admittedly, the metaphor applies to me. And the skill I am attempting to master, although I am set in my ways? It is an important one, something I have grappled with, frequently, for my all my days. The quest I'm on … to become less scared of those large arachnids. Apologies to all the other spiders that exist; I have to be pragmatic about my possible growth as a human. It also has to be the huntsman because it is sizeable, dominant, and the one I run into regularly. Encompassing on three separate occasions in the last week. Within my dwelling. You can’t see me, but a shudder runs through me at the very thought as I type.

It's unlikely I’ll ever reach “admirer” status, but I've dedicated effort to at least achieving Normal about them.

An intense phobia regarding spiders since I was a child (in contrast to other children who are fascinated by them). In my formative years, I had ample brothers around to ensure I never had to handle any myself, but I still freaked out if one was obviously in the immediate vicinity as me. Vividly, I recall of one morning when I was eight, my family slumbering on, and attempting to manage a spider that had crawled on to the family room partition. I “handled” with it by positioning myself at a great distance, practically in the adjoining space (in case it pursued me), and emptying a significant portion of pesticide toward it. The spray failed to hit the spider, but it managed to annoy and irritate everyone in my house.

In my adult life, whoever I was dating or living with was, by default, the least afraid of spiders out of the two of us, and therefore in charge of dealing with it, while I made low keening sounds and fled the scene. In moments of solitude, my method was simply to leave the room, douse the illumination and try to erase the memory of its being before I had to re-enter.

Recently, I visited a companion's home where there was a notably big huntsman who resided within the window frame, mostly just lingering. To be less fearful, I imagined the spider as a 'girlie', a one of the girls, in our circle, just chilling in the sun and eavesdropping on us yap. It sounds extremely dumb, but it had an impact (a little bit). Put another way, actively deciding to become less phobic proved successful.

Regardless, I’ve tried to keep it up. I reflect upon all the sensible justifications not to be scared. I know huntsman spiders won’t harm me. I know they consume things like flies and mosquitoes (creatures I despise). I know they are one of the world's exquisite, benign creatures.

Yet, regrettably, they do continue to walk like that. They propel themselves in the most terrifying and almost unjust way imaginable. The appearance of their numerous appendages carrying them at that frightening pace causes my caveman brain to go into high alert. They claim to only have eight legs, but I am convinced that triples when they are in motion.

However it cannot be blamed on them that they have scary legs, and they have the same privilege to be where I am – possibly a greater claim. My experience has shown that taking the steps of trying not to have a visceral panic reaction and flee when I see one, trying to remain composed and breathing steadily, and intentionally reflecting about their positive qualities, has actually started to help.

Just because they are furry beings that scuttle about at an alarming rate in a way that causes me nocturnal distress, doesn’t mean they merit my intense dislike, or my high-pitched vocalizations. I can admit when fear has clouded my judgment and driven by irrational anxiety. It is uncertain I’ll ever reach the “catching one in a Tupperware container and taking it outside” phase, but one can't be sure. There’s a few years within this veteran of life yet.